When I turned 24, I had this idea of writing a letter to my future self. If I recall correctly, it wasn't exactly on my birthday that I had this thought, though - on my birthday, which only happened half a year ago, I was still innocent as a new born. Then, not even two months later, hell unleashed and my life changed in matters I could have never foreseen. I woke up on 1th of January 2016 realizing that 2015 was a year charged with so many changes that I ended up laughing while I was checking my reflection in the mirror. I wasn't capable of identifying myself with my past - few were the moments that felt real up until this point, I was sure my life had been a movie I once saw and I truly connected with, yet I could not remember much of it. Like that Mr. Nobody movie, that resonated so much with my soul. I realized I lost every trace of steadiness I once fought so hard for : I spent Christmas (one of most important days of the year, let's not forget that while I am constantly trying to find myself, I was still raised as a Christian.) with someone I hadn't known until recently; my friends nowadays are people I'd probably never have met, had I not moved to Denmark. Everything that happened until I turned 24 had been erased - not by my personal choice, but by the great amount of pain I've been through. There are only these many panic attacks you can have until your self-defense mechanism decides to kick in!
So now, after sleeping all day long - because, well, when you are born in the middle of the summer, you surely can't function properly in the middle of the freaking winter - I was reading the famous book, when I stumbled upon a simple phrase and then the compulsion of writing emerged.
1. "Whatever the present moment contains, embrace it as if you had chosen it yourself." ( E. Tolle - yeah, that's the "famous book" I was talking about!) It made me stop reading and look around. Observe my room. Of course, it's not really mine since I am sub-renting it for a few months only, but still. If I am here right now, doesn't this mean it's mine? I looked around and realized that all this time I had been so wrong! I thought I was moving here because I had no other choice - after a tough break-up, I ended up in the streets, so I had to find a place to live and I needed to do it fast. But - hasn't the break-up been my choice? Everything I've done in my life has been nothing else than my personal choice and has led to this exact moment in time. If I am here, where I couldn't even imagine I would be 4 years ago, when I was still living in Romania, it's because I was meant to be here. I've never lost my way - I am exactly where I am supposed to be and I don't have to try to embrace the present as if I had chosen it myself because I know I did.
2. Never wish for something that happened to never have happened! Few months ago, when everything was falling apart, I had a plan to write in this letter things like "Girl, you are 34 years now and I really hope names like X or Y mean nothing to you anymore." I was sure that completely forgetting the people that I thought were the source of my pain would be the key to a better future. Then, when the pain diminished, I somehow managed to realize that I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for those who hurt me. Even more, I learned to accept that they hurt me involuntarily. I basically forced myself to get my head out of my ass and accept that life is not just white or black and neither are people. I realized I lived moments of real bliss and trying to force myself to believe they were not real, that they only happened because one of us was fake, was only a petty attempt of my mind to try to find a logical explanation of why things didn't work out. And the result was only even more pain. I was forcing myself to digest foreign thoughts such as: "It had all been a lie, he only used you.", while my entire consciousness was practically begging me to accept the reality of what I had lived. If I was to accept the truth - that at one point in time, everything was real - then, I also needed to accept I was incapable of finding the explanation of why it ended. And it hurt, but I managed. Because sometimes, some things are so real that you do not need to read a book like The power of now to be aware of them. Sometimes, not even a mathematical creature like myself cannot deny the inner truth.
3. "Why" is a total waste of time and only a source of pain. "What if" - as well. What can I say? I am learning to be alone for the first time in my life and every once in a while, it stings. When I come home from work and there is no one to talk to. When I wake up and there is no one to say "good morning" to. I am going through a big transition and then, I also get these weird, cultural-related thoughts, from time to time. That maybe I should have never ended my relationship; maybe we should have got married and shit. Cause I am getting close to 25 and my mum and doctors and magazines told me that it is best that a woman has her first baby before reaching 30, which leaves me with less than 5 years to find a decent man and one thing I know for sure, decent people are hard to find nowadays! Well - I am going to tell you this, 34 years old Georgiana! If you are married and you are an awesome wife, then you have succeeded. If you are a mother and you totally enjoy it, then you have succeeded. If you are still single, still trying to find yourself, yet comfortable with who you are, then you have succeeded. But if you are married and unhappy, then you have terribly failed, my dear. So - don't listen to what they say ! Listen to what YOU have to say about your own life.
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