Tangled Souls

   Do you remember the guy that made you smile every day until you just woke up one morning and realized it was simply not enough?  Do you remember the one that got away?  Do you remember the boy with gray eyes?
   I have come to realize that we are the generation that doesn't know how to grow up. We are the "forever childish"  generation; not that it is something wrong with that -  if only we stopped tricking ourselves into thinking it's a conscious choice,  if only we were able to admit that we have no idea whatsover how to become adults! 
  But I cannot lie to myself anymore,  nor can I drag this on forever.  I am no longer a child,  neither are you -  despite how much you would like to be!  I know,  my friend,  it's a terryfing truth I am telling you and you might choose to deny it with a bad joke and a loud laugh,  as you've done so many times before,  but the truth remains the truth and I think it's high time I brought it to the light. 

 We are the generation who, despite being forever online, despite having our eyes on our smartphones all the time, we never answer when someone calls. I can literally say that almost everytime I try to call someone on their phone, they don't answer. I do exactly the same - funny thing how I take my phone with me even when I go to the toilet, but somehow I always manage to get missed calls.

   We are the "uncapable to open up" generation; the generation who forever runs; the generation unable to find time for a kiss or for holding hands; Look into my eyes, give me a pretty fake smile and maybe - just maybe - I will be drunk enough to meet you in the bedroom. Just don't tell me your name - too busy to remember it. 

  Why are we so scared of connections, honey? Do you remember the first time you made a genuine connection with someone? It was probably the first time your mother held you. But - do you remember when it was the last time you made a true connection with another human being? And if you do - why did you have to run away? Why did you have to close even more the next morning?

  I don't want "us" to be a struggle - if I know you are struggling with your own demons, if you know freaking zombies are feasting from my brain every night - I don't want us to fight. I don't want to have to break down walls of indifference every time I want to get close. I don't want to lose my soul in the process of helping you find your own. I cannot spend the night watching you startle in your sleep just so I wake up next to an empty shell the next morning. I cannot take pieces from my own heart to help you glue your pieces together - I mean, I would if I could, but you see, honey, I am missing even more pieces than you do and I don't think it's fair for either one of us to give away some parts.

   I cannot play the role your mother refused to - you cannot give me the attention my father was uncapable or unwilling to. I cannot give you the peace your ex-girlfriend took with her when she left - you cannot pretend that each one of the atoms that form my body doesn't think of him when you touch me. But our lives are formed of many small tangled stories that somehow mananged to get us where we are today: two naked shameless souls, facing each other. Snuffling. Gazing. Awaiting. 

  Some people were born to be sad - it's the constant state of bitter sadness that actually gives us pleasure. "I don't want you, go away" - there are a million reasons for you to tell me that, yet there are even more reasons to ask me to stay. Nevertheless, you never did. Never asked me to stay, never asked me to come, you never really asked me to leave. I came when I felt needed, I stayed until I understood I have no meaning; no purpose. 

  "Who are you and what do you plan to do with my soul?" I used to ask you when we cuddled in the dark. 

  "I am the endless mistake that waves through your hair. I am the air you inhale, I am the air that poisons you. I am coming from underground, ready to devour your whole being. 

  I will consume every single part of you until you become nothing. 

  I am You."