You told me Boulevard of Broken Dreams was the freaking anthem for outsiders. I got a bit pissed, showed you the middle finger, but then, I had no other choice than admit to myself - yes, I have always been an outsider.
People think I am taking pride in being an outsider and they couldn't be more right. We talk about gay and gay pride - how pride and happy and joyful gay people were when they finally felt free to come out of the closet. Similar to that, we have "introversion pride" - when, for your whole your life, people made you feel ashamed for prefering to be alone or with a small group of friends than surrounded by many unknown people and then, all of a sudden, everyone acknowledges introverts, you take pride in that. Yes, I am an introverted - no, it does not mean I hate people, nor does it mean I am shy. What it means is that, despite learning a lot from and also enjoying to some extent social interactions, we, introverts, unlike extroverts, recharge our energy levels by being alone. And it's perfectly fine.
But this song is not even about Jung's introversion/extraversion scale; it does not matter who you are and where you are from - one thing is for sure, one thing we all have : a big freaking void and I would go this far to actually say that, despite being completely different one from another, we don't even have different voids - we all have the same freaking void.
Now - poems and love stories like to talk about the fact that the only thing that can fill your void is a better half. A soul mate. Now, not only am I old enough to know that thinking that is silly, but I also have the book Eat, pray, love as my personal Bible and Lizzie talks really nicely about soul mates. (Because yes, they do exist and no, they are not a wealthy Prince Charming coming on a white horse to save you from having to work for your own living.) But, since I am not a good enough writer to paraphrase Lizzie, I will instead just write a direct quote:
"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants.
But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..."
Man, I completely adore this quote - it makes me remember all the soul mates I met along the way and it makes me think of all the wonderful people I still have to meet - all the wonderful people that will help me discover some parts of myself that I don't even have any idea they exist at this very moment in time.
Nevertheless, I did not make this post in order to talk about love or soul mates; I feel these are only superficial topics, only distractions to prevent us from reaching the very core of every problem of whole human kind - the void. Just as I do, you also feel the void - or else, why would you seek my company in the cold December nights?
The one thing you fail to understand is that I completely embrace, love and accept my inner void; I am mature enough to know that no other human being is able to help me fill my own void, no matter how special they are, no matter whether they are soul mates or not. I am mature enough to understand that, at the end of this day, at the end of the road, is only me and, when I will be looking back at the road, I will realize that yes, there had always been other people walking besides me, but the only true constant on this journey had always been myself.
When you think I am just trying to feel my "void" filled for one night, I am actually letting myself used - not because I like being used, not because I am a masochist and I derive pleasure from being used. But only because of the sole reason that I genuinely care about every freaking soul on this fucking earth - and when you are like me, your only small fractures of happiness can be found when you manage to make someone feel happier.
When you think I am ignoring you because I am trying to punish you for something you might have done wrong, I am actually just trying to distance myself. Opening up is almost impossible task for me and if I do it and you push me away a little bit, I will push myself kilometers away. Thousands of them. I will build the freaking Chinese Wall and the Pacific Ocean between us. Not to punish you - it's just my natural reaction to protect myself. Because - to quote another famous, yet completely shitty book - "I am 50 shades of fucked up."
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