Man, 2015 was a really peculiar year and I haven't even managed to make my resolutions! (Yes, I, too, suffer from the chronic disease most youth do - procrastination!) Well,this year has truly been unique. Today, I was reading an article entitled "25 things that you must do before turning 25" and the person who wrote it mentioned that their worst year ever was when they were 23. For me, it's 24. I am 24 years old and I've never been more lost in my entire life. I am 24 years old and you would think I would have (at least, some of) my shit together by now, but no! The beginning of this year caught me engaged, ready to get married - now I am lost, clueless, single, alone, homeless, broke. And it's not even December yet. God knows what December might bring.
One thing I learned from this year is that expectations almost never turn into reality. I am not saying it's something wrong with setting goals - we all need some purpose in this life, we cannot go on this road completely spaced out - what I am saying is that, if there is one thing life has taught me repeatedly is that Unpredictable is the rule. Few things turn out the way we want them; Relationships fail; friends part ways; jobs get terminated; cities get forgotton, summers come and go; One thing you need to remember:
"Why" can never be the question; Why can never lead to changes; Why is the one dangerous word that only makes you get stuck in the past, in the hopeless attempt to find reasons, why is the question which, not only can never be answered, but it prevents you from seeing the wonderful doors that lay just in front of you. It prevents you from revealing the potential to open them, potential that has always been hidden inside of you. Why didn't it work, why didn't he love me? Why wasn't I good enough? Why did I screw everything up? You do realize these questions lead to the painful, deserted land of NOWHERE?!
If you are like me and you managed to successfully screw absolutely everything up in your life - not once, not twice, but perhaps the third time in only 24 years - you realize you are a freaking roller coster! Has it ever happened that you had absolutely everything - a good, loving man that would have done a lot so you can be happy, a good home, a good overall life - and then, all of a sudden, you found yourself in the middle of seamless, meaningless decisions and somehow, you manage to make the most retarded choice every god damn time? Has it ever happened that you distroyed everything that was good in your life and found yourself alone, surrounded by only 7 boxes of clothes, 2 heavy boxes of books and no idea whatsoever where to go? What to do? Who to be?
If you are also a world class screw-up, then I have to congratulate you, my friend! The key word in what I've written in the last paragraph was "good" and you, my friend, are one of the few people who cannot accept or settle for "good". " Good" can be "good" only for this long and it comes a time when your soul feels trapped and the need to escape is so high that you have trouble breathing. You panic right in the middle of your working shift, you run to the bathroom, hide in the toilet room, sit on the cold floor and try to gasp for air. Many blurred images move through your mind with an unbelievable speed - your heart aches, but it has never felt more alive. Yes, you, the girl who thought she can never get hurt, have a heart and oh, boy, it's freaking speeding! Yes, you have managed to break everyone you ever loved, yes, you let them see you at your worst! You let them see you sad, angry, hyper, totally wasted, yes, you let them see the real you. Yes, you opened your heart wide for some people to get in, rip everything out of your chest and then vanish into thin air. Yes, some of them will hate you for a very long time and it will break your heart and give you panic attacks - but it's a brand new life, baby girl! It's a new chance to defeat the "good" for once and for all; It's a chance to start all over and finally achieve what you know you were meant to: excellence. So - keep your head up and...
Pack your bags. Remember those clothes that you bought, but never wear more than once or twice, because you didn't really like them? Remember those jeans that you used to wear one year ago, when you were fat, but you always felt you needed to keep them as a back-up plan, hidden in the back of your closet, in cause things go south and you fail? Of course, you do - it's not like you can forget so easily about them, since they represent around 40% of your entire wardrobe! Now - I want you to make yourself a delicious cup of strong coffee, put on your favorite band, be brave and clean everything up! The person who will laugh at me for implying that you need to be brave in order to throw out old clothes has never done it before. Only looking through your old stuff can be an exhausting process: it reminds you of the person you used to be for a very long time and, most importantly, it reminds you of the person you will never be again, of the places you might never see again, of the arms that will never hug you again. It makes you realize that all the previous attempts to fill the void have failed and everything you put so much effort into building was destroyed just like a sand castle. It makes you more aware than ever that all we are is dust in the wind...
One thing I learned from this year is that expectations almost never turn into reality. I am not saying it's something wrong with setting goals - we all need some purpose in this life, we cannot go on this road completely spaced out - what I am saying is that, if there is one thing life has taught me repeatedly is that Unpredictable is the rule. Few things turn out the way we want them; Relationships fail; friends part ways; jobs get terminated; cities get forgotton, summers come and go; One thing you need to remember:
"Why" can never be the question; Why can never lead to changes; Why is the one dangerous word that only makes you get stuck in the past, in the hopeless attempt to find reasons, why is the question which, not only can never be answered, but it prevents you from seeing the wonderful doors that lay just in front of you. It prevents you from revealing the potential to open them, potential that has always been hidden inside of you. Why didn't it work, why didn't he love me? Why wasn't I good enough? Why did I screw everything up? You do realize these questions lead to the painful, deserted land of NOWHERE?!
If you are like me and you managed to successfully screw absolutely everything up in your life - not once, not twice, but perhaps the third time in only 24 years - you realize you are a freaking roller coster! Has it ever happened that you had absolutely everything - a good, loving man that would have done a lot so you can be happy, a good home, a good overall life - and then, all of a sudden, you found yourself in the middle of seamless, meaningless decisions and somehow, you manage to make the most retarded choice every god damn time? Has it ever happened that you distroyed everything that was good in your life and found yourself alone, surrounded by only 7 boxes of clothes, 2 heavy boxes of books and no idea whatsoever where to go? What to do? Who to be?
If you are also a world class screw-up, then I have to congratulate you, my friend! The key word in what I've written in the last paragraph was "good" and you, my friend, are one of the few people who cannot accept or settle for "good". " Good" can be "good" only for this long and it comes a time when your soul feels trapped and the need to escape is so high that you have trouble breathing. You panic right in the middle of your working shift, you run to the bathroom, hide in the toilet room, sit on the cold floor and try to gasp for air. Many blurred images move through your mind with an unbelievable speed - your heart aches, but it has never felt more alive. Yes, you, the girl who thought she can never get hurt, have a heart and oh, boy, it's freaking speeding! Yes, you have managed to break everyone you ever loved, yes, you let them see you at your worst! You let them see you sad, angry, hyper, totally wasted, yes, you let them see the real you. Yes, you opened your heart wide for some people to get in, rip everything out of your chest and then vanish into thin air. Yes, some of them will hate you for a very long time and it will break your heart and give you panic attacks - but it's a brand new life, baby girl! It's a new chance to defeat the "good" for once and for all; It's a chance to start all over and finally achieve what you know you were meant to: excellence. So - keep your head up and...
Pack your bags. Remember those clothes that you bought, but never wear more than once or twice, because you didn't really like them? Remember those jeans that you used to wear one year ago, when you were fat, but you always felt you needed to keep them as a back-up plan, hidden in the back of your closet, in cause things go south and you fail? Of course, you do - it's not like you can forget so easily about them, since they represent around 40% of your entire wardrobe! Now - I want you to make yourself a delicious cup of strong coffee, put on your favorite band, be brave and clean everything up! The person who will laugh at me for implying that you need to be brave in order to throw out old clothes has never done it before. Only looking through your old stuff can be an exhausting process: it reminds you of the person you used to be for a very long time and, most importantly, it reminds you of the person you will never be again, of the places you might never see again, of the arms that will never hug you again. It makes you realize that all the previous attempts to fill the void have failed and everything you put so much effort into building was destroyed just like a sand castle. It makes you more aware than ever that all we are is dust in the wind...
So, let the wind blow hard - throw out your old clothes, but also your old relationships. Don't get me wrong: I am, of course, not saying that you need to cut strings with all the people you've known so far, that would be pointless and stupid! But, despite the fact that it might sound as a clichee and you have probably already heard this from another source, I feel that I have to say it anyways: Some people were meant to be part of your life only for a short period: yes, they were important, yes, you loved them with every pore of your body, but, yes, you need to let them go! I know it's a scary thing - letting go of people you loved, having to renounce familiar relationships just so you can jump into the Unknown - You are staying all alone in the dark, blind, but this time you need to find your own way! This time you need to stop waiting for someone to hold your hand and guide you through the darkness, this time you need to make and assume your own mistake! I realize now it is this precise thing that has given me panic attacks lately - the fact that, deep down I am well aware that some relationships in my life have out pasted their expiration date long time ago; the fact that, despite dragging on for a while now, I can no longer deny the fact that I started feeling their spoiled taste; The fact that I now realize I've been immature and incapable of assuming my own choices; So - remember that very long beautiful relationship, that you still don't feel emotionally prepared to let go? Let it go. One morning you will wake up in his bed, thirsty, wasted, wanting to go pee. You will move a bit, he will smile and partially cuddle with you. Your first instinct will be to stand still, but this time - for the first time - it will take you around half minute to realize the truth. That you also have needs. That your needs are more important. You need to pee, drink water, sleep and, most importantly, you need a man capable to cuddle with you even when he's sober. You have your own needs. The ugly cold truth slaps you in the face like the morning cold winter air. You've been a begger for so long - and you are anything but a begger. You have no meaning in his room - and then you start to feel short of air. You realize you don't belong, you need to walk and not look back. If you cannot have it, you have to let it go...
And, most importantly, you cannot have people. Or relationships. "Have" indicates possession and the minute you start thinking you can possess someone, it's the very moment you distance yourself from that person. People come and go throughtout your life - if you think about it, the people you used to see on a daily basics 5 years ago are not the same as the people you have today in your life. Who know with whom you will hang out 5 years from now on! What matters is you never had and you will never have a person! A person belongs only to themselves - you can mean their whole universe and still there is only a very small fraction of their soul that you are going to discover. A very small part of their beautiful mind that you are going to know. You cannot possess a person, nor can you belong to someone - after the storm has passed, you are the only person in your life that stood still.
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