Inner demons

If I were to chose what are those things that helped me go through my adolescence, I could say music and writing. There were Linkin Park and Green Day and some other weird bands and there were the beautifully colored notebooks that I used to call Diaries. When I walked on the street I listened to music. At home I would listen to music again and I would write. There were so many things I wanted to say to people around me, there were so many ways in which I would have loved to express myself, there were too many times during my literature classes when I knew the answers, I knew exactly how a main character must have felt. I had been that character so many times but yet I had to listen to some people that had no clue and still they were talking. Instead, I was speechless. Speechless all the time, words simply refused to get out of my mouth, the frustration is, therefore, easy to understand.
   And then there was my mother, who helped accept myself the way I was. Big words, almost a chiche, I know, but it helped big time! Just imagine that slowly I learned to stop feeling the stupidest around just because I wouldn't speak, I learned to say "it's ok, Georgiana" everytime I was at a party and I would rather just be at home reading. "It's ok, Georgiana, just go." I learned to stop doing things I hated just for the sake of being like anyone else and the big surprise came years later when I finally overcame my fear of talking to people and I realised that they accepted me the way I was. They did all this time and the irony is I thought I needed to be just like them in order to be accepted. The only real obstacle in my happiness was myself.
   Nowadays I don't really care that much anymore. Don't get me wrong, I care a lot about people, I just know we are all different and eventually it will come. I recall when I started work, after 2 months, there was this co-worker who was like:"Why don't you talk to us??? Why are you so quiet? Look, X was so talkative ever since her first day. Why can't you be more like her??" I smiled and said nothing. If this co-worker of mine got to the age of 30 without learning and accepting that people are different, that's her problem. As for me, I wasn't frustrated at all. I knew one day will come when I will feel confortable enough to speak with all of them, sooner or later. And it did, rather sooner than later.
  I still have trouble speaking. I still start crying like a baby everytime I have to express myself and I think all the time :"why can't we just talk by e-mail, sms, skype, viber, regular mail or whatever else than this torture?". But the important thing is that I no longer fear what the person in front of me might think. In the past I wouldn't even put myself in a situation that might end up in me crying. Nowadays I go for it. Because I know that  otherwise I would be frustrated, writing and listening to Linkin Park for a loooooong time. With lots of "o".
What I want to say is that sometimes - sometimes you have to face what's in your mind, you have to accept and embrace your demons in order to change and to move on. If you keep on denying who you really are, the only one ending up being hurt will be you. And sometimes - the only way to grow bigger is to know exactly how small you are right now, sometimes the only limit of your happiness is you, the only one keeping you in the dark is...you.