I am a quite an open minded person, who likes and can understand every point of view : it's not like I am a fade person who doesn't have strong opinions, it's more like I am quite empathetic and I can understand why you - for instance - like fruits in your veggie salads, even though I find it the biggest nonsense. How do I do that? Simple. First of all, I accept the fact that opinions and tastes are different and it's only stupid to try to impose myself on others. Secondly, I am not retard so I know that absolutely everything in this world has pros and cons and we are so different that what a "pro" is to me can be a "con" to you. That is why people tend to tell me all of their problems and complaints and that's why some days leave me so out of energy; listening to some many complaints can suck it all out of you. There is though one thing that not only I cannot understand and accept, but that also manages to make me a mess in just seconds : SCREAMING.
I get it: when there is a large number of people working in the same environment, there will always be misunderstandings and arguments, but I do not see why screaming should become a necessity. It seems lately to me that people around ms think I am made out of crystal and that they need to be ultra-careful when talking to me, thing that makes me sad. Am I emotional? Yes and I am not ashamed; I have been living in shame for 16 years and I've come to realize that being a sensitive person is nothing to be ashamed of. The thing is - I am tolerant. I am. If I weren't tolerent, I couldn't belong in this world. In every environment I've been I've watched people having trouble learning what for me came so easily, people making stupid mistakes that, no matter how much I tried, I couldn't understand or explain. If I weren't tolerant, I would either live in a cave or commint suicide. What I can't tolerate is screaming and there is this guy at work who basically screams all the time. Who instead of talking, just screams. Long time ago I told him he had some mother issues and everyone there hated me so much and no one really spoke to me for the entire day because appearantly that guy's mother is dead ( thing that of course I wasn't aware of.) I felt really embarrassed not for a day, but for the whole week, not because they were angry at me (I seriously couldn't care less), but because there was a chance I actually hurt this guy's feelings and for me hurting someone's feelings is just too much; my heart simply breaks into tiny pieces. Well, the same guy screamed at me( not directely to me, but I was right in the middle.) until he made me cry. The thing is - and I will just say this and I hope everyone can understand - when I turned 15, mother( who adores me) sent me to high school away from home so I won't have to be screamed at anymore. Every now and then, Boyfriend asks me if I have spoken to my father, thing that annoys me so much, considering he knows what it has been like. I didn't really have a father; let's just put it this way : mother was unlucky enough to marry a tiran, who only knew how to scream at me and make me feel like a piece of shit way too often; He has broken me so badly and now every fault that I have, every thing that holds me back, is due to him. Just imagine - I was one of the best in my school and in seventh grade he saw a paper of me with a minus 10 ( minus 10!, really, just a "minus" away from perfection.) and he screamed at me for 2 hours, telling me how a loser I was to dare to be satisfied with this and how I will never manage in life if I set my goals so low. I cried and begged him to stop but he simply wouldn't. This was definetely not a singular accident. Because of this, I am nowadays a perfectionist who isn't satisfied...well...ever. Now, whoever reads this - I want you to know I do not see myself as a victim; But don't you dare thinking this was his way of caring for me, his way of trying to do the best for me, because this was not the case at all. So many things had happened, so many times when things he did were unacceptable, so many awful memories that I have come nowadays not to only resent him, but I also try to avoid talking to him at any cost. I was somehow a troubled teenager who dated more guys than she should have, who always acted so weird around men and who simply loses it when a man screams at her. That's right; I am not made out of crystal : you can come and say to me I suck and I am a stupid bitch or whatever you please and I will take it as a strong girl that I am. Raise your voice at me and I will break. It is that simple, I am, to quote one famous male character among women, "fifty shades of fucked up".
I get it: when there is a large number of people working in the same environment, there will always be misunderstandings and arguments, but I do not see why screaming should become a necessity. It seems lately to me that people around ms think I am made out of crystal and that they need to be ultra-careful when talking to me, thing that makes me sad. Am I emotional? Yes and I am not ashamed; I have been living in shame for 16 years and I've come to realize that being a sensitive person is nothing to be ashamed of. The thing is - I am tolerant. I am. If I weren't tolerent, I couldn't belong in this world. In every environment I've been I've watched people having trouble learning what for me came so easily, people making stupid mistakes that, no matter how much I tried, I couldn't understand or explain. If I weren't tolerant, I would either live in a cave or commint suicide. What I can't tolerate is screaming and there is this guy at work who basically screams all the time. Who instead of talking, just screams. Long time ago I told him he had some mother issues and everyone there hated me so much and no one really spoke to me for the entire day because appearantly that guy's mother is dead ( thing that of course I wasn't aware of.) I felt really embarrassed not for a day, but for the whole week, not because they were angry at me (I seriously couldn't care less), but because there was a chance I actually hurt this guy's feelings and for me hurting someone's feelings is just too much; my heart simply breaks into tiny pieces. Well, the same guy screamed at me( not directely to me, but I was right in the middle.) until he made me cry. The thing is - and I will just say this and I hope everyone can understand - when I turned 15, mother( who adores me) sent me to high school away from home so I won't have to be screamed at anymore. Every now and then, Boyfriend asks me if I have spoken to my father, thing that annoys me so much, considering he knows what it has been like. I didn't really have a father; let's just put it this way : mother was unlucky enough to marry a tiran, who only knew how to scream at me and make me feel like a piece of shit way too often; He has broken me so badly and now every fault that I have, every thing that holds me back, is due to him. Just imagine - I was one of the best in my school and in seventh grade he saw a paper of me with a minus 10 ( minus 10!, really, just a "minus" away from perfection.) and he screamed at me for 2 hours, telling me how a loser I was to dare to be satisfied with this and how I will never manage in life if I set my goals so low. I cried and begged him to stop but he simply wouldn't. This was definetely not a singular accident. Because of this, I am nowadays a perfectionist who isn't satisfied...well...ever. Now, whoever reads this - I want you to know I do not see myself as a victim; But don't you dare thinking this was his way of caring for me, his way of trying to do the best for me, because this was not the case at all. So many things had happened, so many times when things he did were unacceptable, so many awful memories that I have come nowadays not to only resent him, but I also try to avoid talking to him at any cost. I was somehow a troubled teenager who dated more guys than she should have, who always acted so weird around men and who simply loses it when a man screams at her. That's right; I am not made out of crystal : you can come and say to me I suck and I am a stupid bitch or whatever you please and I will take it as a strong girl that I am. Raise your voice at me and I will break. It is that simple, I am, to quote one famous male character among women, "fifty shades of fucked up".
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