Sweet dreams

 As I am reentering my room at 4 a.m., a strong smell of dead flowers hits me. It has been over a week since my birthday, and I need to start tossing whatever has died in the meantime, such as flowers or other things. I also need to stop checking my phone* at 4 a.m., if I still want to fall asleep, because sometimes I am unlucky enough to receive texts that have the power to ruin my whole day. I am talking about long texts from the original abuser. Thank you very much. Now what should I do about this stomachache that will haunt me for the rest of the day? *Honestly, I am this close to just throwing out my phone, I think it has become a distraction from all important things, so if you want to reach me, you know where to find me, or you can send me a flying pigeon, or, if it's really not time-sensitive, a letter via post will do. There is one thing I have been practicing lately: self-soothing . This is something that Jessica Baum taught me in her book Anxiously Attached.  T...

 Once in a while, you need to stop running and chasing wild geese, take a cold shower, or better yet, pour a big bucket of ice-cold water over your head, and start asking yourself: who are you hurting? Whose suffering are you blind to? When you embark on a journey of self-discovery, it becomes easy to ignore the people who love you the most. The people who have already been through hell for you and would spend a lifetime in hell, if you'd simply ask them to. But, at the end of the day, when all illusions vanish and fantasy turns to emptiness, those are the only ones who remain. Have you got one of those? Have you got one person who always stays, no matter how far you stray?  Have you ever had someone call you beautiful while the tears you're shedding ruin your makeup? Have you got someone who watches you shatter to pieces and simply holds your hand, even though it destroys them? Have you got someone who brings you another beer and never says you should stop drinking, even thou...

 

 I woke up at 4 am with so much energy, it felt as if the f***** Toothfaity or Sandman or Santa Clause had poured cocaine down my nose while I was blissfully asleep. Tried falling back asleep - failed. Did a bit of social media (isn't that the very first thing we all do after we wake up?) and spared a glance towards the 4 books I am currently reading: no, there is no way I am right now able to stand still and read. Had a passing thought about watching a movie (so we can finally justify paying for all these streaming networks), but the simple idea of standing still for 2 hours gives me anxiety. Man, I really do need to remember how to chill. And to unsubscribe from some streaming networks. What to do if you wake up at 4 am with all the energy in the world, but still enough common sense to know that going out for a run all by yourself at this hour wouldn't be necessary safe?    1. Clean, iron, fold, dust, vacuum, arrange, rearrange the s*** out of material things surroundin...

Man, has this been the weirdest summer or not ? I have recently discovered/rediscovered my old blog, bits of my past self, old vices, sugar, cigarettes, sleepless nights, how much a simple glass of wine can alleviate a troubled mind, my sexuality, my all-time favourite book ( Wuthering Heights) , make-up, connecting to new people, connecting to old people, sunsets, sunrises (yes, sleeping is overrated, and apparently so is breakfast), driving over the limit, pretty dresses and self-love (or is it self-hate? 34 years on this planet and I'm still having trouble differencing between love and hate, especially when it comes to myself). The last time I lost my cool and I went bats*** crazy was in the summer of 2015, and I felt the urge to write a letter to Georgiana living in the summer of 2025 , because apparently that crazy smart little brat b*** was also a psychic and could foretell the future. Apparently, at 24 years old, I knew exactly that in the summer of 2025 I would ta...

Sau Despre efectele adverse ale celui mai eficient medicament antidepresiv (alergarea) pentru cei care imi spun ca mie imi vine usor deoarece alerg de 8 ani, plus ca am ani de arte martiale la bord: Despartirea de pat. Cuvintele sunt de prisos. Greata (primele 10 minute). E 7 dimineata si iesi afara. E vara si Bacaul emana un parfum incantator cu note de gunoi, corcoduse fermentate, gandaci crapati, asfalt incalzit, combustibil si fum de tigara de la putinii oameni morocanosi care merg la munca. Unde mai pui ca esti genul de persoana pentru care micul dejun la prima ora a diminetii este sfant, dar inainte de alergare nu poti manca decat o banana pentru ca:  Diareea (10' - 20'). Cunoscatorii stiu despre ce este vorba, sunt unele dimineti in care efectiv alergi cu hartia igienica in mana si scanezi boschetii la fiecare pas. Iar daca imi spune mie un alergator ca nu a avut aceasta problema niciodata, eu ii voi spune: hai sa nu ne cacam pe noi [pun intended]. Durerea de gam...

Cateva lucruri pe care masina mea le-ar spune daca as vorbi (thank God it doesn't!): 1. Girl, stiu ca n-au trecut decat 3 luni si stiu ca esti saraca, dar poate intr-una din zilele astea imi faci si mie un exterior decent. Poate renunti la pizza saptamana viitoare?  2. Nu mai spera sa ploua, ploaia nu ma spala. 3. Wow, ti-ai vopsit radacinile? Super, iti sta bine. Ca tot vorbim despre vopsit, mai tii minte cand erai la inceput si inca faceai “parcari prin atingere”? Pe care inca le mai faci, ca doar esti f emeie. (Da, sunt o masina misogina, cum ar trebui sa fiu dupa ce te-am ascultat timp de aproape un deceniu injurand femei in trafic?) In fine, nu vreau sa te presez, dar au trecut 9 ani si ploaia tot nu a sters zgaraieturile, cum aparent credeai tu. 4. Foarte urat din partea lui ca ti-a taiat calea, insa simt ca de fapt nu asta te-a suparat, ci faptul ca ti-a amintit de o problema fundamentala din copilaria ta. Aaa scuze, nu asta vroiai de la mine? Credeam ca vrei sa iti fiu t...