4 a.m. thoughts / Dead Flowers / Anxiously attached

 As I am reentering my room at 4 a.m., a strong smell of dead flowers hits me. It has been over a week since my birthday, and I need to start tossing whatever has died in the meantime, such as flowers or other things.

I also need to stop checking my phone* at 4 a.m., if I still want to fall asleep, because sometimes I am unlucky enough to receive texts that have the power to ruin my whole day. I am talking about long texts from the original abuser. Thank you very much. Now what should I do about this stomachache that will haunt me for the rest of the day?

*Honestly, I am this close to just throwing out my phone, I think it has become a distraction from all important things, so if you want to reach me, you know where to find me, or you can send me a flying pigeon, or, if it's really not time-sensitive, a letter via post will do.

There is one thing I have been practicing lately: self-soothing. This is something that Jessica Baum taught me in her book Anxiously Attached. This is a book for all of you who experience dysfunctional behaviours in relationships, especially for the anxiously attached. Jessica says that it is because our needs were never met when we were children, we developed some coping mechanisms that might have helped us as children to survive, but are in the present not only futile, but also damaging:

1. If I give them a lot, they will love me.
2. If I do everything that makes them happy, they will appreciate me.
3. If I become like they want me to be, I will be happy.
4. Love is something to be earned; I do not deserve it simply because of who I am.
5. My feelings and emotions are inappropriate, so I need to hide them.
6. If I feel too much, it will hurt too much; better stuff it all down under layers of pretend indifference.
7. My needs aren't important. Making others happy by prioritizing their needs is more important.
8. Do not cry. Crying is weak (You know I am so stuck right now that I only cry when I get furious? I am completely unable to cry when I am sad. I never even cried at funerals. I am almost certain that I won't be able to cry when someone truly important dies, and this simply breaks my heart.)
9. I am too much. And if I am too much, I'll be rejected. 
10. Do not complain. Simply accept all the wrongs people do to you. Complaining is weak.
11. I feel shame for feeling love.
12. If I love, I'll be abandoned - And this is where the rollercoaster ride gets pretty amusing, because although I mainly have an anxious attachment style (I give too much), I do sometimes put on my magical hat and turn into a complete avoidant, especially when the abandonment fear hits;
13. Don't post on Facebook about the death of the former president; it is shameful and inappropriate. What will the whole world think of us? (Okaaaay, this might just be a brand new, freshly out of the oven trauma).

These mechanisms have once saved my life, but are now blocking my freedom and preventing me from being happy. So, like Jessica taught me, I am practising self-soothing. I close my eyes and I picture my inner child (the cute little sad thing looks exactly like that picture of me when I was 3, crying, with blue jeans and red shirt). She is sad and confused, trying so hard to hold down tears. If she cries, she will be scolded. Crying brings unwanted attention. But holding down tears when you're 3 and sad is an extremely difficult mission, and it simply drains her. Don't cry. Crying is weak. 

So, I turn to her, to my inner child, and I tell her: Cry, baby girl. It's okay, you are safe now, crying is safe, crying is okay, I'll hold you while you cry, and if you are unable to express any emotion you might feel, that's okay too, we have all the time to figure it out. You are the most important; your needs matter. Your feelings matter. You are beautiful, kind, smart; remember how many hearts your smile healed throughout the time? It is now time we healed your own heart, baby girl.

And, as I slowly open my eyes, I notice there is a single tear falling down my left eye. And I feel slightly lighter.