Healing for morons

 I woke up at 4 am with so much energy, it felt as if the f***** Toothfaity or Sandman or Santa Clause had poured cocaine down my nose while I was blissfully asleep. Tried falling back asleep - failed. Did a bit of social media (isn't that the very first thing we all do after we wake up?) and spared a glance towards the 4 books I am currently reading: no, there is no way I am right now able to stand still and read. Had a passing thought about watching a movie (so we can finally justify paying for all these streaming networks), but the simple idea of standing still for 2 hours gives me anxiety. Man, I really do need to remember how to chill. And to unsubscribe from some streaming networks.

What to do if you wake up at 4 am with all the energy in the world, but still enough common sense to know that going out for a run all by yourself at this hour wouldn't be necessary safe?

   1. Clean, iron, fold, dust, vacuum, arrange, rearrange the s*** out of material things surrounding you

I surprised myself, and I started doing stuff. You know that huge pile of clothes that needed ironing and has been on my chair for months now? That little monster did nothing but grow every day. At some point, I had this wild thought that the little monster of un-ironed clothes would get so big that it would iron me. What's the difference between Georgiana who irons at 4 am on a Sunday and Georgiana who irons at a decent hour? Apparently, the first one exists.

After that, I folded my clothes, threw out some clothes, and now, even if I did want to sleep, my bed is full of pretty little ironed dresses, and I simply wouldn't dare. So, in a sort of poetic manner, I am now the monster on the chair.

Obviously, the cleaning and ironing and folding and unfolding and f*** and unf**** I need to do is of a completely different nature (fun fact, just saw a meme that said Probably the last word before I die would be f***, because I am a proper lady and I simply couldn't relate more). But cleaning the house feels so much easier than cleaning the mind, and throwing out bad clothes is a billion times simpler than breaking bad habits. But fake it till you make it seems to be the motto of all of us, sad, clueless, hopeless, broken, miserable millennials. So, no, I do not need someone to tell me my real problems, like Georgiana, you smoke too much, drink too much, eat too little, the little you eat is complete crap, swear too much, you do not sit like a proper lady on your chair, the attitude sucks, f***** thanks very much, I know.

      2. Remove the toxicity

Well, at least the one you can. I have spent the last week trying to figure out the toxic people in my life. Had some doubts about some of you, but I am glad to officially announce that all my friends made the line (some of you just barely, but still), and you have the honor to continue to be a part of my life.

My birthday has been an amazing reminder of how great the people in my life are. I had so many people thinking of me, so many of you shared so many beautiful thoughts with me. I was reminded how truly blessed I am and how I need to clean up my act and stop acting like a little b***.

So no, I do not have toxic people in my life, nor did I cut any people out. I have broken, suffering people in my life, whom I try to help every day. I am an empath; if I care for you, your suffering fully becomes my suffering. That is why I have sometimes long periods when I retreat. On the other hand, July has been all about connecting. Human connection is the single most beautiful thing in the world, but some connections drain me, unfortunately. When this happens, I stop and I ask myself: are they toxic or simply broken? If they are toxic, the door gets shut & forever locked. If they are broken and I cannot help, and standing around to watch them suffer only breaks me, the door gets shut, but there are no locks. We need a door between us so my heart doesn't break whilst you suffer. When you have something beautiful to show me and feel you can finally let me in, simply open it.

Of course, there is some toxicity you cannot remove. Remember how in my last post I said I am certain that if I become skinny, I will finally be happy? While all my life I have been too fat, I am now apparently too skinny, and I need to get back my leg muscles (this is what daddy said and what he says, I do, because I'm fifty shades of f***-up and at least 49 are his doing).

    3. Feed yourself positivity, good food, and fresh air

At 6 am, I took a break from writing this post and I started cooking chilli con carne, because I figured out that I need to feed myself something else than sugar, cigarettes, and suffering. See? Look at me, all grown-up and wise and s***, aren't you all proud?

Eating a delicious, nutritious meal goes a long way to soothe a tired heart. Yesterday I had a very simple pasta dish for lunch in the company of my favourite people on earth, and it was almost orgasmic. 

I want to start enjoying everything. Truth is, none of us knows how much time we have on this earth. For all I know, my time might expire tomorrow. So why be always afraid?

I was born sad and afraid. I act happy and brave, but the truth is, sadness and anxiety go where I go. But maybe, after 34 years, I need to stop complaining about it and just start living, despite it.

I want to walk barefoot on the hot pavement; I want it to burn my feet.

I want to wear high heels sometimes, without having to worry about emasculating the vast majority of men living in this country.

I want to sit in the sun for hours, without fearing my feelings. When feelings come, I will acknowledge them and move on.

I sometimes want to eat cake for breakfast or f***** McDonald's. I simply love their breakfast.

I want to spend time with just my brother, because with 19 years between us, we never really did have a common childhood, did we?

I want to wear short skirts, short dresses without having to worry about what people think.

I want to throw out my fatty clothes and not keep them "just in case".

I want to stop fearing men, stop trying to please them.

I need to stop diminishing women and start cherishing them.

If July was all about change, I say let's make August about healing. And maybe, if I am lucky enough, September will be about growth.