Almost 23

I feel the need to explain myself a little bit. Earlier today, Boyfriend was reading my blog and it felt as usual. Freaking weird and I would have given anything for him to stop doing it. Ever since I was a child, I had this need of writing; I don't know whether I was born with it or it just came later, when talking became such a torture to me that I had no other choice than to write. Either way, writing feels just like a need to me, therefore I have to do what I have to do when pressured by the need; you have to pee and the longer you wait, the greater the torture; the feeling of relief is indeed a pleasure , but that doesn't really mean you want other people to see what you just did! It's basically the same with my writing; I do it because I feel the need to do it, the need that comes after days of seeing places and interacting with people; I am not proud of it and I certainly don't like the way I write; There are moments when I hate myself for writing, moments when there is no other thing that I despise more than my writing. But you have to understand me, writing is no more an option to me as killing is to Hannibal. What I do is to make my mind, my soul available on a piece of paper, giving the words the power to show a small fraction of what troubles me every second; Sometimes I wish there was a friend with whom I could share everything, but the paper is so beautiful and silent, the expectations are maybe a little bit too high for anyone to live up to. I have thoughts tormenting me every second of every day, I dream dreams that make me wish I would never wake up; I imagine places so beautiful and souls so inocent that waking up to reality gives me such a bitter taste. I dream big, but my voice just doesn't feel loud enough to spit out. And then there are mornings when I feel my loneliness screaming out loud, mornings when waking up is more a necessity than an option; mornings when I wish the paper was more human; morning when I trully don't feel like belonging here.

  And then, there are people asking me :"What are you planning on doing with your life?". "Are you going to continue your studies?" "Are you guys going to get married soon?" "Are you planning on having any babies?" I get these questions almost on a daily basis from people who think they have everything figured out and forget that once they were 23 and had no idea what they should be doing with their brief existence on this earth.

  First of all, I think I should tell you that I am a dreamer, so I think I will never be able to figure things out for myself, no matter how much I try (because I do!) and no matter how much pressure I would put on myself.  When I went to see a psychologist last year, she ended up by saying : "I can't tell you what career you should choose, I can only tell that tests showed you are better doing this, this, this and that." Basically, a lot of fields, a lot of things, I have come to a point in my life when I no longer feel happy or proud of myself for being able to do a lot of things, I would sincerely rather be good at only one thing and pursue that one thing only, instead of waiting for a decision I don't know if I will ever be able to make. In my dream life, I would be a published writer, earn enough money so I can afford a nice cozy house (I am almost obsessed with the idea of a nice house, with a nice little garden!), enough money so I could spend the rest of my life writing by the fireplace during wintertime or on the terrace during hot summer days, like today. This is the dream, this is my dream, a rather unrealistic one, but I will keep on writing and, who knows, maybe one day!

  If I was rich, on the other hand, if I was rich as in Paris Hilton rich, I would visit everything there is to visit, I would buy a nice cozy house, make two children of my own and adopt another 7-8. Now, there were many people judging Angelina and Brad for adopting so many children, yet, I feel that no matter how much money you give away to charity, it cannot be compared to giving a homeless child a chance to a normal life. But - I am neither rich nor living the dream - so I am basically just a 23 years old girl who has no idea which way life is heading, yet impatient and open-minded to everything. I would say I am pretty normal, am I not?