Consuming

I woke up this morning with a sore throat, a partial stuffy, partial running nose, a stiff neck, a mild headache, the feeling of emptiness inside and a broken heart. I got out of bed and the first thought was: how silly was I not to have learned yet that trying to hurt people will result in me being hurt the most, will make me feel like I have a huge hole inside me, like I am running out of air. So I wonder: perhaps my cold symptoms are just a projection of my hurt inner self, perhaps if you feel rotten inside ( like I do) it will more than show on the outside. So, in my desperate attempt to rather heal a broken heart than make amends, I will take my time to apologize to: that waiter in Rome who I might have offended by asking the change, to my mother, to whom I said when I was 15 that it was high time to stop holding hands; it was the stupidest thing, I still hold hands with her now; to my little brother, because when he was a baby and I was still living with my parents, I spent time on meaningless dates rather than with him; I didn't realize how priceless his laugh is until I was already far away; nowadays every second I spent home, I spend it around him. I apologize to that person to whom I didn't say goodbye to last night, it was stupid and pointless and this is definetely not the way I was raised; I apologize to my mum again because I feel I disappointed her also. I apologize to all those people whom I might have offended and the funniest thing is I was the one that got hurt the most; they have probably already forgotten. My theory is: sometimes my dad mean, actually evil self comes out for a couple of seconds; then my mother self - mum is literally an angel - feels so sad and disappointed for the bad behavior that I end up feeling miserable. Maybe before marriage people should take a test and they shouldn't be allowed to ge married if they are two complete opposite poles. I know that, just like magnets, opposites are good but isn't there a limit to which opposites stop completing each other and start consuming instead?